I was officially diagnosed with depression and generalised anxiety several years ago, following an accident, an injury, and then a job loss \u2013 all of which happened during a time of upheaval in my life anyway (Saturn return, staffing issues at work, my wedding, my brother moving in with us after the dissolution of his long term relationship, etc). I\u2019ve always been (what I now refer to as) a sensitive soul: a combination of empathy & perfectionism meant that I always felt things very deeply, and while I found it easy to be compassionate towards others, the standards I set for myself were unrealistically demanding, causing me to be harshly judgmental of my own very human failings. At the time, I felt like my life had fallen apart, and I was so sad about it that I stopped being able to imagine a future where anything was different.<\/p>\n
I was lucky, because when my family doctor acknowledged she knew nothing about mental health, she sent me to specialists who did. So, I treated my depression with medication (of various SSRI types and some anti-anxiety sleep help), Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques and sensory modulation, talk therapy with first an Acceptance & Commitment Therapy counsellor, then a psychotherapist, and now finally with a Narrative Therapy counsellor. I worked with a community support person to increase my exposure to the outside after my anxiety turned into agoraphobia. I began supplementing my diet with fish oil, magnesium, and high-dose Vitamin D. I had massages and Bowen Therapy. I joined groups to discuss breathing, mindfulness, CBT, and building up a \u201ckind self\u201d to balance out my inner critic.<\/p>\n
And slowly, I remembered my ability to get out of bed, to cook and eat a meal, to sleep for more than an hour at a time.<\/p>\n
Now I\u2019m functioning at my new normal levels. The sadness is still there, and possibly it will take up space in my life forever. It\u2019s like a scar that reminds me that I\u2019ve walked hand-in-hand with Death. I expect that reminder to cause the sadness to rise periodically, but now I have the tools to deal with it.<\/p>\n
One of those tools is my spiritual practice of Witchcraft. Mental health professionals will often talk about spirituality as one of the most effective ways to wellness – and I admit, I\u2019m not sure whether it\u2019s because they believe that spirituality will build resilience, or whether they\u2019re just counting on community (i.e. one\u2019s church) to help out. But one of the things I\u2019ve always loved the most about pagan Witchcraft is that it\u2019s not a passive path – we learn to use our Will to cause transformation! And I\u2019ve come to see that that\u2019s the only way through depression and anxiety – to put in the work, and make change happen.<\/p>\n
Of course, that\u2019s super hard to do when you\u2019re feeling low. When you don\u2019t have the energy to shower, just as an example, it\u2019s hard to imagine finding the energy for magical work. So I have these reminders printed on a piece of paper stuck to the mirror in my bedroom:<\/p>\n
Quotes<\/i><\/p>\n
\u201cWhen you struggle with depression, it flavors your whole life, like iodine in your drinking water. You might get used to it, but you never really stop tasting it altogether. When I have strong feelings (or no feelings), I have to ask myself, \u201cIs this me being reasonable or is this my anxiety\/depression\/PTSD talking?\u201d I have to check all of my reactions before I have them. I am constantly second-guessing social cues that other people take for granted. I catch the tiniest details in inflection, posture, and phrasing because I have to supply myself with evidence that people really mean what they say, or explain their behaviors, however trivial, because I learned that people often don\u2019t<\/i> mean what they say and desire to hurt you (this was a survival mechanism developed after several years with an abusive partner). It takes me longer to decide how I feel in any given moment than it does for other people, because, for a variety of reasons, I can\u2019t always articulate what\u2019s going on inside of me very well. I don\u2019t even always instinctively know when I\u2019m hungry because hunger, sadness, anger, and fear often feel the same to me.\u201d \u201c. . . during the hardest points of depression just mustering the energy required to express emotion can be daunting. When just getting out of bed feels like it takes more energy than you\u2019ve got in the tank, it\u2019s hard to care enough to put on music (or fight laundry monsters).\u201d
\n—Thorn Mooney<\/a><\/p>\n
\n—Alyxander Folmer<\/a><\/p>\n